Slice of Life

Your acts of kindness are iridescent wings of divine love, which linger and continue to uplift others long after your sharing.”  —  Rumi 🌈💖✨

December 2, 2017

191 Days
December 02, 20170 Comments
Twitter /  GaemGyu


Today marks 191 days since my man Cho Kyuhyun started serving for his country, which also means mostly laying low and staying out of the public eye for two years. Man began receiving training a day previous to my birthday and I recall having a pretty hard time coping with it, the most conflicted birthday in my life. This has been difficult and challenging year for me in many little ways, so that was like, a cherry on top.

I was one heck of an emotional mess when he took to Twitter and posted that picture of his freshly shaved head above for the world to see for the first time. (Sounds like I was being dramatic and overreacting, but you’re not wrong.) The entirety of my timeline was wretched for such a perfectly dismal day. That was when realizations came crashing in. We do not own him in any way, he had to go and he could go whether we like or approve of it or not.

By the morning of May 25, photos and videos of fans waiting out in the blazing hot sun at the training center started floating around. From young girls to women in their 20’s, all gathered on the ground byforming what looked like a sit-in movement to protest against the government’s policies, if you didn’t read their signs and banners showing love and support toward none other than Cho Kyuhyun.

Once Kyuhyun’s vehicle was seen entering the area, the fans began running after it. Situation got a little hot and chaotic as they were suddenly swarming around by the time the car pulled in and his skinny figure showed up in dark-themed casual attire and his favorite hat. The crowd was relatively well-behaved though, I don’t think anyone got hurt.

My already puffy eyes welled up. Those fangirls, mostly foreigners (non-Koreans), burst into tears and sniveled querulously. Not to mention those outside the gate who learned that their flying all the way from overseas to bid him farewell was of no use, that their efforts were going down the drain, for they couldn’t even see a strand of his hair properly.

His family and a few of Super Junior managers and staff were there, sans the members themselves, as they’d announced that there wouldn’t be a farewell party (not really a party, just members coming to drop him off and greet fans and the press who are present). It’s become an unwritten rule that only active duty soldiers got such a thing in the group and you know why.

General public has always associated public service with a special treatment which privileged people like famous celebrities, rich businessmen and other powerful figures often pull some strings to get into. In these people’s eyes, doing public services, or anything other than active duty in the Army or Marine corps, is just half the effort. And they believe that every dude who goes public servicing must want to have it easier and will do it in slipshod manner, because they think they are special, fragile snowflakes.

(A little trivia: There really have been times where high profiles were exposed to strong censure for going to extreme lengths to cheat their way into the public service and even dodge conscription for good. Click through to find out. That is one, and only the tip of the iceberg.)

In fact, not everyone does. In Kyuhyun’s case, it’s not at all a special treatment. For someone who got in two car accidents and was once at death’s door, he could be exempt from military service. But now, he’s about to begin his military training. My point is, under that gloss of the rich and famous, some really look past it when it comes to protecting their country. Kyuhyun is one of them.

If you jump on the bandwagon of bullies seeing red and trying to rip celebrities to shreds for getting in public service, why don’t you hop off their backs and start doing background checks on what caused them to first? Kyuhyun had drawn to close the monthly Twitter update of his well-being that he wrote for fans in fear of people and the media’s wrath. And you guys, who have too much free time spared on here to cross the line and leave not just negative but full-blown mean reactions, are to blame for that.

I said what I said. So bummed, ’cause all we have left now are candids and several cardboard cutouts of him from press cons he failed to attend (yep, actual cardboard cutouts). It is punishing to stand the void after years of stanning and seeing him on regular basis. Alas, we’ve only been barely six months in, there are eighteen to go. Sweet Lord, this has got to be the ever longest, worst drought I am to survive.

Though if you’ve been in the fandom long enough, you’ll know Kyuhyun is excellent when it comes to not breathing a word of what (there’re LOTS) he has in store. He would keep the stuff he’s been thoughtfully prepping for a quite long time on the down low first, then spill them all in one go when the time comes. Proven yet again, as the cheeky youngest Super Junior starts showering us with surprises in the recent days.

New projects keep coming and news about him is suddenly all over the media. He began sending fans little signals and showing us his face every now and again. He also appears in friends’ pictures from time to time. Well, evidently, his way of laying low is not that bad after all.

This morning, the much-missed man came out of his dungeon with a new selfie, looking fresh with no makeup on. The place in the background is Schloss Schönbrunn Palace Garden of Vienna, Austriawherein he likely vacationed with his family during last Chuseok holiday. His buzzcut has, too, grown longer after six months.

Forget that weird-looking smile, he appeared healthy, hydrated and vibrant as though he’s been getting enough sleep and eating good. Suddenly my skin is clear, my crops are flourishing, the sun is shining and the world feels like a better place. I’m soft. Look at this little bean, truly a gift that keeps on giving. 👀



Super Junior are gearing up for a comeback. (Everybody throw your hands in the air!!) The veteran group finally decided it’s high time they end the two-year long hybernation, put out music and snatch the throne of bop makers  and *SM Ent.’s PR team voice* Hallyu Kings back to where they rightfully belong.

I’m in raptures about brand new concept, new songs, new videos, new tour and absolutely the new group reality show they’re hosting (check out SJ Returns on vlive.tv). It takes a lot for me to not start crying at night. Could you believe they are making variety show comeback? Super Junior? Having a proper promotion? Sounds fake, ’cause those are (some completely normal) things we haven’t gotten to experience in two or three past eras. Exciting.

And yet, my heart sank when this upcoming new era put in mind the saddest part of a 2017 Super Junior comeback. Kyuhyun’s blatant absence that leaves hole a little too big to either fill up or ignore. I am not used to not eagerly finding out how his teaser images look like once they are out, neither am I used to not having particular parts he sings that always give my ears pure bliss in each song. How’s that supposed to happen?

Only a few days previous to the album release, SM Entertainment revealed that our main vocalist, Cho honey-voice Kyuhyun, did participate in the album production. His vocals are featured in two songs titled “Girlfriend” and “Too Late” from the album’s Play version and one titled “Shadowless” from Pause version. The man did it again with his surprises. God is good, y’all!

Another good news to drop today is, I heard from the grapevine that they even plan on making another Explorers of the Human Body a.k.a the gold mine of South Korean TV show’s history. The show that catapulted Suju into variety stardom and entertainment icons viewers can trust in the biz.

This is plain unfair to us, Kyuhyun stans, not gonna lie, because he had to sit the first season out due to post-accident recovery and when an opportunity to do second season comes along, he has to give it another miss. Nonetheless, still happy for the boys and fans who have waited for nearly a decade. (You guys better be responsible by actually watching all the episodes and not letting it flop! LOL)

Alrighty, then. Enough for today. This one’s pretty lengthy and it’s to make up for a break I feel like having next year. Been so uninspired to write anything lately, I think it’s wise to take my time off this site and come back later with some quality content. 😁 I wish Super Junior an accomplishing comeback, and more fans seeing them this era.

To Cho Kyuhyun, you’ll never read this anyway, but I am looking forward to the day we meet again, so I can show you a much better and happier version of myself. Serve well and stay healthy. ❤





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June 1, 2017

Gross
June 01, 20170 Comments
Pinterest

Stumbled upon a post on IG last week, a screenshot of a viral news article about a South African man who is left traumatized after getting kidnapped and raped for three days straight by three women. And as dismaying as the news reads, there are still many nasty, churlish people who horse around chuckling at it. It makes me sick to my stomach already. Caption is deliberately omitted as it got my flesh crawling from seeing how despicable humans can be.

Simply click on the embedded post to see it and judge for yourself.


If you have a little more time to spare, might as well look into the comments. It’s cancerous down there--halfwits guffawing and making vile accusations about the poor guy. "If he got a boner, then he took pleasure in it," wrote one of them (not verbatim ac literatim, but you get the point) followed by a series of laughing emojis.

They left me baffled, and grossed out, and triggered almost simultaneously. It’s hard to believe one could casually, substantially downplay a sexual assault, for according to the weird logic functioning in their head, the victim looked like he enjoyed it. It’s because they don’t see rape as a common crime, they don’t see it as anything beyond sex. Slow claps!

Hardly surprising that, in every discussion about such cases, I encountered at least one ignoranus that shows senseless effort of always making victims feel, in any way, that they’re in the wrong. That if a living, breathing person with brain touches you inappropriately without your consent, or even drugs you with sleeping pills or aphrodisiacs, it was nobody’s but your own fault.

Everybody cared about and acknowledged basic human rights, until it was your body and you were in the midst of sexual violence case. They will

eager to jump on the victim instead of the assailants.

Back in 2013, a judge from Palembang High Court was under fire for making a problematic statement that both parties in rape might be reciprocally enjoy their intercourse (when asked whether  death penalty) during a fit and proper test to become the Supreme Court judge. No, you’re not alone wondering how someone with such effed up mindset could be up to lead the highest court in the hierarchy of legal jurisdiction.

His statement, which according to him was to "ease the tension," blew up and sparked flak from public. Netizens signed online petition demanding him to be pulled out of his candidacy. In the end, he got zero votes from the lawmakers. Those cruel words came from someone with high-regarded educational as well as professional backgrounds who-joking or not-should've known better not to say them. Learn the clear-as-day difference, between rape is done without mutual consent, even sometimes with force instead. If you deceitfully or forcefully make someone 'sleep’ with you, that's a rape. How do we enjoy something we don't even want? If you justify an assault, a violence, a crime, because it involves sexual intercourse which you figure can always and only be enjoyable, you are a gross piece of sht. Know better and don't pass that ignorance on to others. Please. From that ignorance is born a justification, then comes along victim-blaming. Those Godawful comments on that IG post kinda proved my point. Victim-blaming is a thing and it happens regardless of the genders. Many men have been victim-blamed like many women do. I've seen how woke people can be when rape victims are women (inb4 someone calls me misogynist out of nowhere), I wish these same people's stance won't change when it comes to male victims. Men can be the target of sexual assault, too. Stop with the double-standard against male victims, and also the generalization that men can only be rapists.

You don’t have to be a rape victim to know how bad the damage it has. It’s unfair that when people were brave enough to report an assault or attack, they got even more crap from public instead of protection and justice they deserve. It is no wonder, a big number of rape victims choose to shut up and live with trauma and misery, or worse, take their lives away. Seeking justice in today's society can equal self-humiliation. Quit blaming victims for the wrongful act and damage that befall them. Nobody will ever ask for it. Dem debauchers gotta be the one being held accountable for their inability to control their own urges. Period.

Note:
Ignoranus is legit a word (in other words, I didn’t coin that), a blend of "ignorant" and "anus"--an ignorant asshole. I know, right? You can’t be both stupid and rude... pick a damn struggle.
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May 28, 2017

Saint
May 28, 20170 Comments
gutenberg.org

At this point, you undoubtedly have known The Shawshank Redemption (1994), haven’t you? As one of the top—if not the top—rated movies on IMDb, it is widely hailed as one of the best films ever made. *then frantically rants about it deserving better at the Oscars and how 90’s movie-goers sucked for letting it tank* 

Recently, after flipping through the tabs on my internet browser, I realized one of them still had Shawshank’s wikipedia page opened. From a thorough reading, I just discovered a trivia about the classic that, apparently, most fans have known long before I did.

The ardent fans of the Stephen King’s novella from which the movie was adapted, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption, have pointed out uncanny similarity it shares with another prominent classic piece from the 19th century written by Leo Tolstoy. Tolstoy himself has been regarded as one of the greatest authors of all time, best known for writing magnificent realist fictions. One of whom his works have influenced was Mahatma Gandhi.
 

It is proven to be true. As stated on the Wikipedia page, Shawshank is loosely based on the Russian author’s famed short story “Бог правду видит, да не скоро скажет” or “God Sees the Truth, But Waits” (1872). 

I am so behind, but this newfound fact has introduced me to a new author I can begin rooting for, the best of his generation, it’s also stirred up my interest to check out his other chefs d’oeuvre e.g. novels War and Peace (1868) and Anna Karerina (1877). The latter preeminently, since it’s gotten a British film adaptation that earned an Oscar for costume design out of four nominations in 2013. 

Though first things first, we need to weigh in on this one we have below.



God Sees the Truth, But Waits

x

In the town of Vladimir lived a young merchant named Ivan Dmitrich Aksionov. He had two shops and a house of his own.

Aksionov was a handsome, fair-haired, curly-headed fellow, full of fun, and very fond of singing. When quite a young man he had been given to drink, and was riotous when he had had too much; but after he married he gave up drinking, except now and then.

One summer Aksionov was going to the Nizhny Fair, and as he bade good-bye to his family, his wife said to him, “Ivan Dmitrich, do not start to-day; I have had a bad dream about you.”
Aksionov laughed, and said, “You are afraid that when I get to the fair I shall go on a spree.” 

His wife replied: “I do not know what I am afraid of; all I know is that I had a bad dream. I dreamt you returned from the town, and when you took off your cap I saw that your hair was quite grey.”

Aksionov laughed. “That’s a lucky sign,” said he. “See if I don’t sell out all my goods, and bring you some presents from the fair.”

So he said good-bye to his family, and drove away.

When he had travelled half-way, he met a merchant whom he knew, and they put up at the same inn for the night. They had some tea together, and then went to bed in adjoining rooms.

It was not Aksionov’s habit to sleep late, and, wishing to travel while it was still cool, he aroused his driver before dawn, and told him to put in the horses.

Then he made his way across to the landlord of the inn (who lived in a cottage at the back), paid his bill, and continued his journey.

When he had gone about twenty-five miles, he stopped for the horses to be fed. Aksionov rested awhile in the passage of the inn, then he stepped out into the porch, and, ordering a samovar to be heated, got out his guitar and began to play.

Suddenly a troika drove up with tinkling bells and an official alighted, followed by two soldiers. He came to Aksionov and began to question him, asking him who he was and whence he came. Aksionov answered him fully, and said, “Won’t you have some tea with me?” But the official went on cross-questioning him and asking him. “Where did you spend last night? Were you alone, or with a fellow-merchant? Did you see the other merchant this morning? Why did you leave the inn before dawn?”

Aksionov wondered why he was asked all these questions, but he described all that had happened, and then added, “Why do you cross-question me as if I were a thief or a robber? I am travelling on business of my own, and there is no need to question me.”

Then the official, calling the soldiers, said, “I am the police-officer of this district, and I question you because the merchant with whom you spent last night has been found with his throat cut. We must search your things.”

They entered the house. The soldiers and the police-officer unstrapped Aksionov’s luggage and searched it. Suddenly the officer drew a knife out of a bag, crying, “Whose knife is this?”

Aksionov looked, and seeing a blood-stained knife taken from his bag, he was frightened.

“How is it there is blood on this knife?”


Aksionov tried to answer, but could hardly utter a word, and only stammered: “I--don’t know--not mine.” Then the police-officer said: “This morning the merchant was found in bed with his throat cut. You are the only person who could have done it. The house was locked from inside, and no one else was there. Here is this blood-stained knife in your bag and your face and manner betray you! Tell me how you killed him, and how much money you stole?”

Aksionov swore he had not done it; that he had not seen the merchant after they had had tea together; that he had no money except eight thousand rubles of his own, and that the knife was not his. But his voice was broken, his face pale, and he trembled with fear as though he went guilty. 


The police-officer ordered the soldiers to bind Aksionov and to put him in the cart. As they tied his feet together and flung him into the cart, Aksionov crossed himself and wept. His money and goods were taken from him, and he was sent to the nearest town and imprisoned there. Enquiries as to his character were made in Vladimir.

The merchants and other inhabitants of that town said that in former days he used to drink and waste his time, but that he was a good man. Then the trial came on: he was charged with murdering a merchant from Ryazan, and robbing him of twenty thousand rubles.

His wife was in despair, and did not know what to believe. Her children were all quite small; one was a baby at her breast. Taking them all with her, she went to the town where her husband was in jail. At first she was not allowed to see him; but after much begging, she obtained permission from the officials, and was taken to him.

When she saw her husband in prison-dress and in chains, shut up with thieves and criminals, she fell down, and did not come to her senses for a long time. Then she drew her children to her, and sat down near him. She told him of things at home, and asked about what had happened to him. He told her all, and she asked, “What can we do now?”

“We must petition the Czar not to let an innocent man perish.”

His wife told him that she had sent a petition to the Czar, but it had not been accepted.

Aksionov did not reply, but only looked downcast.

Then his wife said, “It was not for nothing I dreamt your hair had turned grey. You remember? You should not have started that day.” And passing her fingers through his hair, she said: “Vanya dearest, tell your wife the truth; was it not you who did it?”

“So you, too, suspect me!” said Aksionov, and, hiding his face in his hands, he began to weep. Then a soldier came to say that the wife and children must go away; and Aksionov said good-bye to his family for the last time.

When they were gone, Aksionov recalled what had been said, and when he remembered that his wife also had suspected him, he said to himself, “It seems that only God can know the truth; it is to Him alone we must appeal, and from Him alone expect mercy.”

And Aksionov wrote no more petitions; gave up all hope, and only prayed to God.

Aksionov was condemned to be flogged and sent to the mines. So he was flogged with a knot, and when the wounds made by the knot were healed, he was driven to Siberia with other convicts.

For twenty-six years Aksionov lived as a convict in Siberia. His hair turned white as snow, and his beard grew long, thin, and grey. All his mirth went; he stooped; he walked slowly, spoke little, and never laughed, but he often prayed.

In prison Aksionov learnt to make boots, and earned a little money, with which he bought 
The Lives of the Saints. He read this book when there was light enough in the prison; and on Sundays in the prison-church he read the lessons and sang in the choir; for his voice was still good.

The prison authorities liked Aksionov for his meekness, and his fellow-prisoners respected him: they called him “Grandfather,” and “The Saint.” When they wanted to petition the prison authorities about anything, they always made Aksionov their spokesman, and when there were quarrels among the prisoners they came to him to put things right, and to judge the matter.

No news reached Aksionov from his home, and he did not even know if his wife and children were still alive.

One day a fresh gang of convicts came to the prison. In the evening the old prisoners collected round the new ones and asked them what towns or villages they came from, and what they were sentenced for. Among the rest Aksionov sat down near the newcomers, and listened with downcast air to what was said.

One of the new convicts, a tall, strong man of sixty, with a closely-cropped grey beard, was telling the others what be had been arrested for.

“Well, friends,” he said, “I only took a horse that was tied to a sledge, and I was arrested and accused of stealing. I said I had only taken it to get home quicker, and had then let it go; besides, the driver was a personal friend of mine. So I said, ‘It’s all right.’ ‘No,’ said they, ‘you stole it.’

But how or where I stole it they could not say. I once really did something wrong, and ought by rights to have come here long ago, but that time I was not found out. Now I have been sent here for nothing at all... Eh, but it’s lies I'm telling you; I’ve been to Siberia before, but I did not stay long.”

“Where are you from?” asked some one.

From Vladimir. My family are of that town. My name is Makar, and they also call me Semyonich.”

Aksionov raised his head and said: “Tell me, Semyonich, do you know anything of the merchants Aksionov of Vladimir? Are they still alive?”

“Know them? Of course I do. The Aksionovs are rich, though their father is in Siberia: a sinner like ourselves, it seems! As for you, Gran’dad, how did you come here?”

Aksionov did not like to speak of his misfortune. He only sighed, and said, “For my sins I have been in prison these twenty-six years.”

“What sins?” asked Makar Semyonich.

But Aksionov only said, “Well, well--I must have deserved it!” He would have said no more, but his companions told the newcomers how Aksionov came to be in Siberia; how some one had killed a merchant, and had put the knife among Aksionov’s things, and Aksionov had been unjustly condemned.

When Makar Semyonich heard this, he looked at Aksionov, slapped his own knee, and exclaimed, “Well, this is wonderful! Really wonderful! But how old you've grown, Gran’dad!”

The others asked him why he was so surprised, and where he had seen Aksionov before; but Makar Semyonich did not reply. He only said: “It’s wonderful that we should meet here, lads!”

These words made Aksionov wonder whether this man knew who had killed the merchant; so he said, “Perhaps, Semyonich, you have heard of that affair, or maybe you've seen me before?”

“How could I help hearing? The world’s full of rumours. But it’s a long time ago, and I’ve forgotten what I heard.”

“Perhaps you heard who killed the merchant?” asked Aksionov.

Makar Semyonich laughed, and replied: “It must have been him in whose bag the knife was found! If some one else hid the knife there, ‘He’s not a thief till he’s caught,’ as the saying is. How could any one put a knife into your bag while it was under your head? It would surely have woke you up.”

When Aksionov heard these words, he felt sure this was the man who had killed the merchant. He rose and went away. All that night Aksionov lay awake. He felt terribly unhappy, and all sorts of images rose in his mind. There was the image of his wife as she was when he parted from her to go to the fair. He saw her as if she were present; her face and her eyes rose before him; he heard her speak and laugh. Then he saw his children, quite little, as they: were at that time: one with a little cloak on, another at his mother’s breast. And then he remembered himself as he used to be-young and merry.

He remembered how he sat playing the guitar in the porch of the inn where he was arrested, and how free from care he had been. He saw, in his mind, the place where he was flogged, the executioner, and the people standing around; the chains, the convicts, all the twenty-six years of his prison life, and his premature old age. The thought of it all made him so wretched that he was ready to kill himself.

“And it’s all that villain’s doing!” thought Aksionov. And his anger was so great against Makar Semyonich that he longed for vengeance, even if he himself should perish for it. He kept repeating prayers all night, but could get no peace. During the day he did not go near Makar Semyonich, nor even look at him.

A fortnight passed in this way. Aksionov could not sleep at night, and was so miserable that he did not know what to do.

One night as he was walking about the prison he noticed some earth that came rolling out from under one of the shelves on which the prisoners slept. He stopped to see what it was. Suddenly Makar Semyonich crept out from under the shelf, and looked up at Aksionov with frightened face. Aksionov tried to pass without looking at him, but Makar seized his hand and told him that he had dug a hole under the wall, getting rid of the earth by putting it into his high-boots, and emptying it out every day on the road when the prisoners were driven to their work

“Just you keep quiet, old man, and you shall get out too. If you blab, they’ll flog the life out of me, but I will kill you first.”

Aksionov trembled with anger as he looked at his enemy. He drew his hand away, saying, “I have no wish to escape, and you have no need to kill me; you killed me long ago! As to telling of you--I may do so or not, as God shall direct.”

Next day, when the convicts were led out to work, the convoy soldiers noticed that one or other of the prisoners emptied some earth out of his boots. The prison was searched and the tunnel found. The Governor came and questioned all the prisoners to find out who had dug the hole. They all denied any knowledge of it. Those who knew would not betray Makar Semyonich, knowing he would be flogged almost to death. At last the Governor turned to Aksionov whom he knew to be a just man, and said:

“You are a truthful old man; tell me, before God, who dug the hole?”

Makar Semyonich stood as if he were quite unconcerned, looking at the Governor and not so much as glancing at Aksionov. Aksionov’s lips and hands trembled, and for a long time he could not utter a word. He thought, “Why should I screen him who ruined my life? Let him pay for what I have suffered. But if I tell, they will probably flog the life out of him, and maybe I suspect him wrongly. And, after all, what good would it be to me?”

“Well, old man,” repeated the Governor, “tell me the truth: who has been digging under the wall?”

Aksionov glanced at Makar Semyonich, and said, “I cannot say, your honour. It is not God's will that I should tell! Do what you like with me; I am your hands.”

However much the Governor! tried, Aksionov would say no more, and so the matter had to be left.

That night, when Aksionov was lying on his bed and just beginning to doze, some one came quietly and sat down on his bed. He peered through the darkness and recognised Makar.

"What more do you want of me?" asked Aksionov. “Why have you come here?”
Makar Semyonich was silent. So Aksionov sat up and said, “What do you want? Go away, or I will call the guard!”

Makar Semyonich bent close over Aksionov, and whispered, “Ivan Dmitrich, forgive me!”
“What for?” asked Aksionov.

“It was I who killed the merchant and hid the knife among your things. I meant to kill you too, but I heard a noise outside, so I hid the knife in your bag and escaped out of the window.”

Aksionov was silent, and did not know what to say. Makar Semyonich slid off the bed-shelf and knelt upon the ground. "Ivan Dmitrich," said he, “forgive me! For the love of God, forgive me! I will confess that it was I who killed the merchant, and you will be released and can go to your home.”

“It is easy for you to talk,” said Aksionov, “but I have suffered for you these twenty-six years. Where could I go to now?... My wife is dead, and my children have forgotten me. I have nowhere to go...”

Makar Semyonich did not rise, but beat his head on the floor. “Ivan Dmitrich, forgive me!” he cried. “When they flogged me with the knot it was not so hard to bear as it is to see you now ... yet you had pity on me, and did not tell. For Christ's sake forgive me, wretch that I am!” And he began to sob.

When Aksionov heard him sobbing he, too, began to weep. “God will forgive you!" said he. "Maybe I am a hundred times worse than you.” And at these words his heart grew light, and the longing for home left him. He no longer had any desire to leave the prison, but only hoped for his last hour to come.

In spite of what Aksionov had said, Makar Semyonich confessed, his guilt. But when the order for his release came, Aksionov was already dead.

•••

TL;DR Young merchant named Ivan Dmitrich Aksionov was accused for the murder of fellow merchant he chumed with the previous night. Resultantly, he had to serve 26 years in jail. That’s before a newcoming inmate, Makar Semyonich, came clean and owned up to the deed Aksionov was charged with. However, just one step away from being released, the latter was already no more.



Don’t mouth off at me about what a hell of a downer the ending was. I promote myself to be the first one to mouth off at me about it.

Aksionov has lost everything, literally everything, suffered for almost three decades and yet, he couldn’t have an ending where every pain is compensated.

Or, couldn’t he? Does this twisted upshot give us an idea that he didn’t breath his last with a smile on his face?

I’ve, for one, begun to understand that it is the most realistically beautiful ending possible. Life toys with us.

All he did for years was try to prove his innocence while resigned to his fate in the process. Had it been other people in his shoes, they would’ve gone off the deep end. This guy, though, he still played with full deck and dignity until his last moments. And if that is not deserving of at least three awards and a few rounds of applause, I don’t know what is.

On his part, Aksionov was not perfect. Then again, we’re all not. However, he did not bring the debacle upon himself. If anything, his not listening to the wife and shaking off her hunch was his only mistake in this case. It’s not like he got wasted with a stranger in like, an ‘accident-prone’ place. He was at an inn drinking tea with an old chum, then copping a few z’s before proceeding his trip. Even his trip was meant to earn a living for the sake of his family.

Who would have thought the person you just chanced upon would be killed shortly after the two of you part ways and, to top it off, it was laid at your door. Nobody in the world wants such rotten luck. Aksionov’s forgiveness, granting the terrible deed Makar’s done, is a mix between mind-boggling and heart-rending. The former was not called “The Saint” for nothing. It puts me in awe how big his heart is, and I aspire to have this same quality as he did.

All of us here might get betrayed at some point of our lives and would hold the grudge till death. Aksionov was framed for a murder and spent 26 years behind bars, but thought that it was for his sins and he must have deserved it. *snivels* Having to bear miserable consequences of someone else’s crime, it would make sense if all he had was bitterness and resentment bottling up inside him.

Still and all, Aksionov wiped the slate clean. He helped and forgave Makar. The biggest question mark is whether it was necessary to have Aksionov die in the end. Just on the verge of breathing fresh air outside prison walls, the fresh air of freedom. A protagonist that gets victimized its whole story can’t have a redeeming closure, must be a new level of hopelessness.

If you ask me, it was even better than him being released. Had he made it out, would life have been better for him? Taken into account is the fact that he already fell out of touch with his family (which is really sad!). Reminds me of Brooks Hatlen from Shawshank who committed suicide due to difficulties adjusting to the outside world after completing 50 year sentence. Not to be cynical, but commonly, those who’ve been locked up for a long time—can face certain challanges when re-entering the society.

He’d been cleared from all charges, but things would never be the same as they were twenty six years before. His good reputation couldn’t be restored, the ruined relationships couldn’t be recovered, the wasted time couldn’t be retrieved. The people who had wronged and failed him, they couldn’t learn the truth and say sorry. Did they matter to Aksionov? I’d say, nope. The revelation just established facts that it was not him all along.

Confirming the words he lived by, “only God can know the truth,” it showed that God had always known. And making him relinquish life is God’s way of giving him a pat on the back and saying “it’s enough”—of sorts—after all that went down. In my beliefs, we often hear that an illness (especially severe and prolonged ones) can ‘white out’ sins. I, to a degree, believe that it was also what happened to Aksionov. His misery might have whited out or atoned for his sins.

See? That is why I think Tolstoy concluded “God Sees the Truth, But Waits,” in the most reastically beautiful way possible. Woulda been too cliché if he had given a happily-ever-after type of ending, unless it’s some rad, jaw-dropping plot twist like Shawshank’s. Both stories have great, valuable lessons about kindness; patience; strength; wisdom and staying hopeful and level-headed in difficult situations, even if their tail ends are poles apart. One teaches about being optimistic, persistent and indispensably shrewed. The other opens eyes about being resigned, wise and prodigiously forgiving.

The battle within ourselves is the most hard-won. Every time we try to put out the fire, it burns our hand instead. Every time we try to allay the hatred, it highlights the hurtful reason it exists in the first place. Notwithstanding all that, Aksionov won his battle. He knows God knows the truth, but waits. God always sees what’s beneath the surface, and at the right moment will bring the truth to light, laying it bare in the eyes of the doubters.


There is a beauty of being rejected, misunderstood, unseen and unsupported by people. It teaches you to rely on God for everything.
— Unknown




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May 6, 2017

Heartily Prepared
May 06, 20170 Comments
onehallyu.com

SM Entertainment (Super Junior’s agency) recently dropped one enormous bombshell when they disclosed a notice of Kyuhyun’s definite military enlistment date. He’s set to head off to the Nonsan Army Training Center on May 25.

That is two days before his 11th anniversary with SuJu and one before my own birthday. The perfect timing goes on to be the next thing that leaves a sour taste in my mouth after the two-year hiatus. It had been known that he’d be going in this year, but not by a long shot did I have an idea about it being in this special month.

I barely have three weeks to see Kyuhyun out and about before he starts laying low and living under the radar, which is not enough. I didn’t get to hype up his comebacks and lastest releases for a bunch of stuff going on in real life, and have not kept up with his news in forever and a day. 

When I first logged in to Twitter again after a while, my timeline was flooded with news articles about his upcoming big day. I’d sort of deserted him and it just slapped me hard in the face that he is about to go MIA. And as much as my chest is swelling with pride, it’s still hard not to see him in such a long time. Even during group hiatus, the man would still come on TV for his weekly programs, solo promos and other individual activities. 

I cannot think of one particular day in my years of being a fan without a single without a single photo or video of him arriving at airports, attending concerts, going backstage at musicals, etc. week in, week out. We’ve been thriving with at least one new content every day, and now our brains ought to cook up ways to muddle through when this regularity has to stop. Beyond any doubt, the next two years will be a dry spell for us Kyuhyun fans.

One reason that helps me keep my cool these days is because Kyuhyun doesn’t seem like he’s dreading this whole conscription thing. It is a national duty of Korean men to perform the compulsory military service, but would you believe me if I tell you there are citizens who take extreme lengths to dodge draft? I said it repeat, extreme


With Kyuhyun though, while he’s confessed sadness over not being able to see fans and worries that we would leave him for the young’uns, he doesn’t place his responsibility to his country on the back burner for such excuses. In perspective of a fan, I reckon it’s the most beneficial for celebrities or entertainers to quickly get it over and done with than evade it.

Negligence of the duty has been a really sensitive issue among Korean public, and once allegations about your desertion are out, be ready for the repercussions:  relentless press coverage and public outcry which can also lead to a thorough investigation from the government that might result in harsh penalties. Chances are, the hostile public sentiment lasts for the rest of your career.

To those wondering, Kyuhyun is disqualified from active duty and will be enlisting as public service worker. It has a lot to do with a car accident that almost cost four SuJu members and several managers their lives in April 2007. In actual fact, the tragedy left them with major injuries. Kyuhyun’s rib bones pierced into his lungs, he went into a four-day coma and was presumed to have only 20 percent chance of survival. For how serious it was, he could’ve been exempt from military service.


Enough with the military talk. 



SM are fixing to suck everyone dry give the fans a consolation pre-enlistment fan meeting, which appears to me that Kyuhyun’s coaxing us into accepting his ephemeral goodbye. The ticket sales (they were sold out within flashing four minutes) reflect people’s determination to see him on stage for the last time before his discharge in two years’ time. Good grief, I can already picture it being a massive cry fest.



kyuhyun.smtown.com

*spends forever gushing over his flawless profile* 


Yesterday, they started disseminating an online form that fans need to fill up, with three questions on it: 1) name and date of birth, 2) song from SuJu or Kyuhyun you want him to sing and your reason, 3) song from other singer you want him to sing and your reason. I failed to comprehend why we get asked about date of birth instead of nationality, I suppose that knowing which part of the world the fans are from is more important for company’s future plans? 


However, knowing it is Kyuhyun, he always gets elated when spotting male and older fans in his concert crowds, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Look at him playing favorites!

The request form


For a song from SuJu or solo Kyuhyun, I went for mid-tempo ballad “Raining Spell For Love” off SuJu’s 7th album Mamacita. A poor middle child whose existence tends to be overlooked, slept on and never has once been performed live—even at their own tour. Not among fans favorite and immensely glorified holy trinity with the likes of “Evanesce, “Islands” and “Midnight Blues,” but easily made my top three without a second thought. Also, Kyuhyun’s got the least lines in it (I know right??), but they immaculately showcase his vocals that can move mountains and save lives. 

For a song from other singer, I weighed it up a lot and could scarcely settle on. Suddenly I conceived this idea of him singing slow rock ballads, like Eric Clapton’s Grammy winning “Tears in Heaven,” but rowed back on it. That was just as my other favorite male singer, Ed Sheeran, popped up in my mind. If can’t get him to sing a rock ballad, then ‘swelling ballad’ would do. 

Nah, not “Shape of You.” 

I plumped for “Photograph.” Alright, but imagine Kyuhyun singing “The A Team” acoustic? Umm??????? That’d be the death of me. Why is that? Firstly, I like the song (duh) and the vibes it gives off. Secondly, it is the type of song that Kyuhyun might like even though he doesn’t have the best English pronunciation. And most importantly, the song can channel or express the sadness and emptiness we feel about the whole enlistment thing. The lyrics are about a long distance relationship, and here we are about to have one. Boohoo.

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me 
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin’ me closer
’Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

My wish is not for the time to be forever frozen still, but for it to fast forward to the day you’ll discharge. By the time it comes, we all will warmly yet passionately welcome you back with the better version of ourselves who—just like what you wrote in your last letter—“can confidently go around saying ‘I am a Kyuhyun fan!’” 

Serve well and come back healthy! 




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January 1, 2017

New Year, New Self
January 01, 20170 Comments

timpaniofflimits.tumblr.com


First and foremost, Happy New Year to each and every one of you! Cheers to a great year that is 2017, stay mirthful, blissful and wonderful ad infinitum!🎆🎇🎉 I reckon that as of now, every place on earth has logged out of 2016 and logged into 2017 in high spirits. 

Don’t even start asking how I spent my New Year’s Eve. I’m usually a night owl, but last night, my body was drained as my eyes were heavy. I hit the hay at around 9-ish and just slept the night away. This is my first time missing out on New Year’s firework show, oh, and the movies! They mustve aired some good blockbuster flicks on TV last night. 

A little rewind to last year, the last two months of it were excruciatingly strenuous as I began my seventh semester and hence, final work. The amount of stress it has put on me is unbelievable. Cannot wait til the weight is off my shoulder, and I can find my peace of mind

I want to go back to old routine of working on myself physically and pick up new ones that are good for mental health, like painting, writing, reading, etc. I also started reaching out to middle school pals I’d fallen out of touch again on social media, we’re still making up our minds for the date of our catch-up. Our first ever catch-up in coon’s age.

Seems like only yesterday I was about to start my first year in uni and adjust to the new phase, but sure enough it was three years and two months ago. I’m handing in my thesis proposal soon to apply for a supervisor afterward,  and looking forward to graduating this November. Time glides on that fast, it’s insane. We’re in the verge of adulthood now.

My New Year’s goal dramatically changed from passing all classes with good GPA to having both a degree and a good job under my belt by the time I welcome next year. (That’s a glow-up, y’all.Let’s keep our fingers crossed that everything will pan out. ❤ 

Speaking of my thesis, when cooping myself up in the library and reading loads of research papers last week, something caught my attention. You know, that particular section where the authors kind of list down their life mottos, favorite quotes and whatnot? I was dipping into one of my reading materials and lighting upon, I swear, the most thought-provoking and eye-opening quotes I’ve read, which is so relevant to the situation I’m facing these days. 

If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been.

Sometimes I get too caught up in my own fears, insecurities and self-doubts. They bring nothing but stress and anxiety, and I hate that they keep holding me back mentally from taking opportunities or doing what I want. Thereupon, I agree that the key to solving this kind of problem is to not pay heed to them at all. 

Oftentimes when I was offered good opportunities in the past, I kinda had a feeling that I should give them a shot and that there’s a chance I could nail them. But then, the irksome concerns started to creep in and got me backing out—letting those opportunities slide. God knows how many boats I have missed for listening to my very own trepidation.

So tired of always giving in to these fears, I’ve gotta start coming to grips with them already. It is at times like this that I miss my old self. The one who’s more indifferent about what others have to say.

The one who had no problem reading out a poetry with insufferably annoying intonation or presenting an awful drawing of Australian continent in front of the whole class. People might judge the hell out of me, but it didn’t bother me half as much as it would now somehow.

I was like, “fuck it” and just came forward. I believed it’s better to get stuff done quickly and nip it in the bud for good, than put it off and prolong the ‘suffering.’ *sighs* Good ol’ days, back when I’ve not been exposed to all that’s mean and nasty in this adult world. lmfao 

Joking aside though, I do wanna revert back to the old me who was brave and confident—only with some maturity and wisdom.

All in all, let’s start 2017 by turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to every bit of negativity trying to get to us. Those shrill, satanic whispers in our head that repeatedly say: “you are weak,” “you are stupid,” “you are not good enough,” “you cannot,” “you will fail,” etc., shut them out. They are not true, and will not necessarily come to pass. It can be otherwise, who knows?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna chicken out no more, then die without knowing what a great person I might have been if I actually tried

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